Random One-Liners

We've tripled the amount of money – I believe it's from $50 million up to $195 million available.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Bushisms

My husband complained to; ‘I can’t remember when we last had sex,’ and I said; well I can and that’s why why we ain’t doin’ it.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Sex

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Health Memory People

His family tree is a trunk.

Miscellaneous

This is not even close to what I envisioned a no-hitter would be.

American baseball pitcher
Baseball Sports

The dog has seldom been successful in pulling Man up to its level of sagacity, but Man has frequently dragged the dog down to his.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Animals Dogs

That’s Grossberger, the biggest mass murderer in the history of the southwest. He killed his entire family and all of his relatives in one weekend… and then he killed some more people that reminded him of his family.

(1943 – ) Cuban-American actor & director
TV/Movie Quotes

I was raised by my father; my mother left before I was born.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents

Operator – give me the number for 911!

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
TV/Movie Quotes

Police: Crack Found in Man’s Buttocks

Headlines

Now I too can soar with the beagle.

(1971 – ) American actress
Malaprops TV/Movie Quotes

The play opened at 8:40 sharp and closed at 10:40 dull.

(1918 – 2001) American sportswriter, commentator & actor
Entertainment Opinion

I’m telling you that Porsche was literally right up my arse in the fast lane of the motorway.

Misspokements

Homer also wrote the Oddity.

Books Malaprops Reading/Writing

Adolescence is that period in a kid’s life when parents become more difficult.

(1941 – ) American actor
Age Children Family Parents

Throwing people out of a game is like learning to ride a bicycle – once you get the hang of it, it can be a lot of fun.

(1937 – 1995) American Major League Baseball umpire
Baseball Sports

Oh come on. Like you couldn’t smell this turkey rotting from miles away.

writer, editor & film reviewer
Reviews/Criticism

If you’d offered me a 69 at the start this morning I’d have been all over you.

Scottish professional golfer
Golf Misspokements Sports

[to a waitress in a bar] Bring a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out… and then bring one every ten minutes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

The two most important things in life are good friends and a strong bullpen.

professional baseball player & manager
Baseball Life Sports

Peter Marshall: In the movies, who gave the advice, “whistle while you work?”

Paul Lynde: It was either Paul Winchell… or Linda Lovelace.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares