Random One-Liners

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Communication Speech

I just need to make it to 34 and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.

(1975 – ) English comedian
Age

Hundreds Hurt During Annual Stone-throwing Festival

Headlines

John Davidson: In folklore, what do you call the child of a fairy?

Joan Rivers: Adopted.  

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

Carl Sandburg (1878 – 1967) biographer & poet
Emotions Life

I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations

Georgie believed in democracy, and he felt that everybody had a right to an opinion… his.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Democracy Government Opinion

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People

RSPCA Fights Motorbikes For Hamsters

Headlines

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

(1972 – ) Scottish comedian
Places

There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.

Miscellaneous

The lights are most likely to come back on at the precise moment you find the flashlight.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Murphy’s Laws Things

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Parents Places Young

The trouble with young writers is that they are all in their sixties.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist
Age Communication Reading/Writing

Standing across the ring from Joe Louis and knowing he wants to go home early.

(1909–1959) American boxing champion
Boxing Sports

Woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
People Relationships Women

The notes are right, but if I listened they would be wrong.

(1899 – 1985) Hungarian-born conductor & violinist
Entertainment Misspokements Music

You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Characteristics Intelligence Time

Maggots Tackle Raiders

Headlines Sports

That'll stick out like a red herring.

Mixed metaphors

I rather entrust the government of the United States to the first 400 people listed in the Boston telephone directory than to the faculty of Harvard University.

(1925 – 2008) American conservative author, commentator & television host
Government