Random One-Liners

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, is immorality contagious?

Paul Lynde: I know he was down with it for about a month.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

If you’re wondering if you have enough money to take the family out to eat tonight, you don’t.

(1917 – 1994) American writer
Money

Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.

Murphy’s Laws

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Age

The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.

Murphy’s Laws

All I want is for my case to be heard before an impractical decision-maker.

American baseball player
Malaprops

[Kerry is trying to figure out how to break up with Kyle] Bridget: Just use the line I use when I break up with a guy.

Kerry: “I’m only seventeen, you’ll go to jail”?

(1979 – ) American actress
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

Voting Down but Political Humor Up

Headlines

Alibi: Slip cover.

Definitions

Our loss is their loss.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Beliefs Insults Religion

What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?

(1953 – ) comedian, political commentator and television & radio personality
Places

Girls are like pianos… when they're not upright, they're grand.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Girls People Women

Confucius say… man who sleep like a baby doesn’t have one.

Confucius say

Jake: Uh, Bob, about the money for tonight.

Bob: Oh, yeah, $200, and you boys drank $300 worth of beer.

(1934 – 2004) American factor
TV/Movie Quotes

Christians can have big tits, too.

(1921 – 2011) American film actress & sex symbol
Appearance Beliefs Body Religion

A live Dog is better than a dead Lion. Come drop a tear as you pass by, as you are now so once was I, as I am now you soon must be, prepare for death and follow me.

Epitaphs

April 1: The day we are reminded of what we are the other 364.

Definitions Fools Intelligence

Socializing on the internet is to socializing, what reality TV is to reality.

(1961 – ) American playwright & screenwriter
Computers Things

In Russia we only had two TV channels: Channel One was propaganda, Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: “Turn back at once to Channel One.”

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Entertainment Places Television

Composers shouldn't think too much—it interferes with their plagiarism.

(1896 – 1983) American actor
Communication Entertainment Music Reading/Writing

Negative momentum

Oxymorons