Random One-Liners

After 100 Years, Coward Celebration

Headlines

I believe in reincarnation, so I’ve left all my money to myself.

(1943 – ) English disc jockey
Death Life

The trouble with Hooker is that he's got his headquarters where his hindquarters ought to be.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Insults

DUI Coordinator Resigns After Being Charged With DUI

Headlines

How many advantages can one person have?… I'm a white man!

Louis Szekely (1967 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & director
People Self

Priest Pleads Guilty to Making Date-Rape Drug

Headlines

The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything.

(1826 – 1877) English economist & journalist
Books Communication Reading/Writing Wisdom

Jury Suspects Foul Play In Death Of Man Shot, Burned & Buried In Shallow Grave

Headlines

Realtor: A man with lots to sell.

Definitions Occupations Wordplay

If you're too busy to go fishin', you're too busy.

(1908 – 2003) American actor & dancer
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

We should continue to ride the horse that brings in the gravy.

Mixed metaphors

Peter Marshall: Were the Marines active during the Revolutionary War?

Marty Allen: If there were any Marines around I’m sure they found a little action!

(1922 – 2018) comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

If life was a party, he wasn’t even in the kitchen.

(1948 – ) English novelist
Insults Life

“I’ve grown fat on the contents of charity packages,” said Tom carefully.

Miscellaneous

So many of [English sporting promoter] Barry Hearn's boxers end up in the hospital; he should sell his limousine and buy an ambulance.

British boxer
Boxing Sports

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.

Proverbs Time

The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field… no, wait a minute… it’s ball one… low and outside.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer
Baseball Misspokements Sports

Statistics are no substitute for common sense.

Intelligence Murphy’s Laws

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Activities Housework Life Proverbs

If I fought Evander [Holyfield] with a baseball bat, I would win the fight… but it would be by decision.

Boxing Sports

… what is your host’s purpose in having a party; surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Activities