Random One-Liners

There are three ages of man – youth, middle age, and ‘you're looking wonderful.’

(1889 – 1967) American bishop & cardinal of the Catholic Church
Age

Seven days without laughter makes one weak.


Emotions Laughter Wordplay

All the dress shops are sold out in Washington. It’s hard to find a great dress for this inauguration.

(1946 – ) American cretin & 45th U.S. president
Miscellaneous

Here lies the body of Robert Gordon, mouth almighty and teeth according. Stranger tread lightly on this wonder, if he opens his mouth you are gone to thunder.

Epitaphs

I'd like to play Columbus. [of the International League]

American hockey player
Hockey Sports

The dialogue was it’s only strong area, but liking the film because of that would be akin to thinking a park bench a good snack because someone spilled your favorite espresso on it.

(movie reviews at themovieguys.net)
Reviews/Criticism

Yeah, only in America could a thing like that happen.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Yogi-isms

They laughed at Edison and Einstein, but somehow I still feel uncomfortable when they laugh at me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Emotions Laughter People Self

This isn’t the state of California, it’s a state of insanity.

(1919 – 2003) American actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Arithmetic: Being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.

Definitions

I've always tried to be a good American citizen, so I have made it a point not to learn any other language but English.

stand-up comedian
America Communication Language People Self

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist
Communication Government

More weight.

(c.1611 – 1692) a prosperous farmer and church member in early colonial America who died under judicial torture during the Salem witch trials
Last words

Buzzing Undies Makes Shopper Faint

Headlines

My retirement plan is a slippery floor at a department store.

American comedian
Law Money

Santorum Comes From Behind in Alabama Three-Way

Headlines

My father drank beer in the morning; later in the day he drank anything.

(1921 – 2007) Scottish-born actress
Alcohol Beer Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

You might be a redneck if… the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

The gifts you buy your wife are never as appropriate as the gifts your neighbor buys his wife.

Husbands Murphy’s Laws Shopping Wives

A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws

(Jack) Benny’s so cheap he wouldn’t give you the parsley off his fish.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Frugal Money