Random One-Liners

An old friend will help you move; a good friend will help you move a dead body.


Friends People Situations

Peter Marshall: You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

(1924 – 2006) American comedic actor
Hollywood Squares

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws People

When we got into office, the thing that surprised me most was to find that things were just as bad as we'd been saying they were.

(1917 – 1963) 35th U.S. president
Characteristics Communication Problems

Italian women never die – they just shrink out of existence.

(1958 – ) American comedian, actress & jazz musician
Death People Women

You win some, you lose some, and then there's that little known third category.

(1948 – ) U.S. vice president & politician, author & environmentalist
Elections/Voting Government Law Politics

If everyone were like him (Mitch Williams) I wouldn't play. I'd find a safer way to make a living.

baseball player
Baseball

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Miscellaneous

He's as country as a bowl of grits.

Miscellaneous

To err is human to forgive, infrequent.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist
Characteristics Failure Mistakes Problems

Baseball is the only thing beside the paper clip that hasn't changed.

(1914 – 1986) American baseball team owner & promoter
Baseball Sports Things

Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don’t drink too much… then again, don’t drink too little.

Age Alcohol Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws Old

Footnote: Useless information placed where you can skip it.

Definitions

Wedding Ring: A one-man band.

Definitions Marriage

Last night he went on the paper four times… three of those times I was reading it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs

Blamelessness runs riot though the six hundred pages.

(1937 – ) British historian
Reviews/Criticism

Having a kid is great… as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.

(1966 – ) American actor, comedian, screenwriter & film producer
Children Family

You can't put democracy and freedom back into a box.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Bushisms

I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail; I wouldn’t want to be the tea party’s go-to comedian.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

You might not think that’s cricket, and it’s not; it’s motor racing.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator
Auto racing Misspokements Sports

And don't use conjunctions to start sentences.

Communication Language Reading/Writing