Random One-Liners

The only difference between a good shot and a bad shot is if it goes in or not.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
Basketball Sports

Patsy: Well, what am I supposed to do if you die?

Edina: Get cabs!

(1958 – ) English comedian, screenwriter & actress
Driving TV/Movie Quotes

A flatterer never seems absurd: the flatter’d always takes his word.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Characteristics

If God, as some now say, is dead, He no doubt died of trying to find an equitable solution to the Arab-Jewish problem.

(1907 – 1989) American writer
Beliefs God Government

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

That noise in my earphones knocked my nose off and I had to pick it up and find it.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer
Misspokements

If Michaelangelo had been a heterosexual, the Sistine Chapel would have been painted basic white and with a roller.

1944) is an American writer & screenwriter
Characteristics Entertainment

We had different ideas as to what the problem was: she bought me Viagra; I bought her a treadmill.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian, radio personality, author & actor
Activities Exercise Sex

The devil slipped in like a weasil – And down to Hell he took old Kezle.

Epitaphs

Blue Skies Unless Its Cloudy

Headlines

I was like a pig with a wristwatch.

American auto racer
Auto racing Sports

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’, but ‘That’s funny…’

(1920 – 1992) American science and science fiction author & professor
Communication Science/Weather Speech

Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.

Communication Murphy’s Laws Reading/Writing Time

The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner; these men usually have jobs and bathe.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People

I don't believe that I'm going to be able to speak any longer.

(1881 – 1965) American Major League Baseball executive
Last words

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years… or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Basketball Sports

Arithmetic: Being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.

Definitions

Baby Boomers Not Planning to Retire

Headlines

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?… movie day

(1970 – ) American actor, producer & stand up comedian
Education Entertainment Film

What are all these “other dimensions” I keep hearing about? … to me, there’s only one dimension worth anything, and that’s the good ole U.S. of A.

Miscellaneous