Random One-Liners

Can’t you be indelicate for once?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Misspokements TV/Movie Quotes

We would all like a reputation for generosity and we'd all like to buy it cheap.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Characteristics

I see nothing wrong with giving Robert some legal experience as Attorney General before he goes out to practice law.

(1917 – 1963) 35th U.S. president
Government

You’re about as grateful as a toothache.

Miscellaneous

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Activities Communication Speech

To have treed the coon

Miscellaneous

I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

You know you are getting older when “Happy Hour” is a nap.

Activities Age Old Sleep

Castration – The Advantages and the Disadvantages

Miscellaneous

If an ass goes a-traveling, he'll not come home a horse.

Characteristics Proverbs Situations

You can sue McDonald’s if you get fat, you can sue Marlboro if you get cancer, you can try suing Guinness for all the ugly people you've shagged, but you can't sue your TV for exposing you to this.

Irish reviewer
Reviews/Criticism

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body Self Ugly

If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it!

(1925 – 2013) comedian & actor
Life

Police: Crack Found in Man’s Buttocks

Headlines

He' a Boy Scout with a hormone imbalance.

(1940 – ) writer & commentator
Insults

Disneyland is Vegas for children.

(1949 – ) American singer-songwriter, composer & actor
Places

Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death TV/Movie Quotes

… on hollowed ground

Malaprops

The only thing that stops God sending a second Flood is that the first one was useless.

(1741 – 1794) French writer
Beliefs God

We're like two peas in a pot.

Malaprops Situations

Life is pleasant, death is peaceful; it’s the transition that’s troublesome.

(1920 – 1992) American science and science fiction author & professor
Death Life